


A Flower Quickly Fading

by SiriKenobiWinchester



Category: Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Gen, Old Fanfic, reunion of Obi-Wan and Anakin we deserved XD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 16:11:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17665820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiriKenobiWinchester/pseuds/SiriKenobiWinchester
Summary: Obi-Wan reunites with those he loves after his death.





	A Flower Quickly Fading

**Author's Note:**

> An old fanfiction I wrote in 2012. Originally posted on my Fanfiction.net account.

The two lightsabers sizzled between us as we circled each other for the last time.

“You can't win, Darth,” I whispered to my lost, former apprentice, hoping to reach through his darkness and hate and perhaps find that glimmer of goodness that still might be in him after all this time. Because deep down, where everything hides behind a locked box, I hoped that it was true. ' _Please prove me wrong, Anakin. Show me you aren't fully gone!'_

“If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

 _'Becoming one with the Force.'_ That had been something I had wished for since I had arrived on Tatooine but knew I couldn't do because I had to watch over Anakin's son Luke; a task I took with satisfaction, glad for some sort of purpose in the blackness the galaxy had become.

“You should not have come back,” Vader said, his voice lowered and dark, and my heart gave a jump in my chest. What did he mean by that? Did he still care about me or was he just saying that because he thought me a fool? His blade crashed down on me and I knew he thought me a fool. Anakin was truly gone; my assumptions after our duel on Mustafar had been correct. I heaved a sigh, feeling so much older than I really was...so old.

I raise my blade to block his, creating an explosion of sapphire and crimson. Then I felt a presence in the Force. ' _Luke. His friends. Leia!'_

Anakin – No, Vader - seemed to sense my distraction because he stopped moving and followed my gaze as I turned my head. Han, Chewbacca, and Leia were already half-way aboard but Luke was still standing there, staring at me with his bright blue eyes. They were so like his father's, and I could see a look I had seen on my former Padawan's face so many times; fear and stubbornness. He wanted to save me but he couldn't. I could hear the Force's voice, calling me home. And I couldn't kill Vader- not in-front of his son, even though he didn't know _-_ and his defeat wasn't my destiny, that much was apparent from my failure to end him once and for all on Mustafar. ' _And Luke will need you in a different way from now on',_ theForce had told me the moment we'd landed on this evil space station.

I turned back to Darth Vader and smiled. I was going home and I was saving Luke- saving him like I'd failed to do so many times for everyone else I had ever cared about. And I was making a gesture of repentance to my fallen student; because a parent should never outlive their child, no matter how twisted they had become.

I lifted my blade up before me, feeling it's comforting weight in my palm, smelling it's familiar hint of ozone wafting off it's blade, and sensed the Force swirl around me like a blanket.

I thought of everyone I had ever loved: Qui-Gon, Siri, Anakin, Bant, Garen, Reeft, Cerasi, Yoda, Mace Windu, Shaak Ti, Astri, Ferus, Didi, Dex, Padme, Bail, Luke, Leia- I let them fill me so that my love for them was flowing through my every nerve. I felt shock explode from Vader right before I heard the swing of a lightsaber. Pain gripped me at how easily he lashed out at me, though it shouldn't; he had been just as unmerciful on Mustafar. But before it hit me, I was gone, my body vanishing as my cloak fell to the floor. I concentrated on their faces as I slid towards the precipice. I managed to look down and see Luke still standing by the ship, shouting in horror and shooting with a blaster at the stormtroopers. He didn't stand a chance.

“Run, Luke. Run!” I whispered to him. I stayed with him till he was safe and in hyperspace; far away from Vader's iron grip. Then I let myself relax as I slid into oblivion and into the tender arms of the light side of the Force... calling me home.

 

As my mind swam back into consciousness, I could feel warmth tinging over my skin, as well as waves lapping against me, tugging and pulling at me like cool hands. For a moment I just lay there, letting the cool water caress me and the sun shine down on me. I felt like I could lay here forever, letting the warmth and coolness soothe my skin and my mind until I forgot everything.

Then I opened my eyes. Straight above me was a soft, yellow sun burning in a vivid blue sky. Light, wispy clouds drifted across the expansion, looking like small angels fluttering down to and fro, going their own way. I gingerly sat up, feeling the water drip down my exposed shoulders, suddenly feeling calm and full of energy.

' _Is this what being one with the Force feels like? Is this what I've been striving for?'_

I then realize that I am naked but I don't feel embarrassed like I normally would have been. I pushed my fists into the soft mud beneath me and stand, the ankle deep water still tugging on me like a youngling wanting to know exactly _how_ Anakin and I had done this or that mission. Smiling ruefully, I rubbed a hand over my face and feel surprised when I feel smooth, youthful skin.

I peered down at my reflection and saw myself looking at least somewhere between eighteen and twenty-five. My hair was cropped short like I'd worn it as a Padawan but I didn't have the braid signifying me as one. My shoulder and leg, where I had been wounded by Dooku's blade, were blemish-less; the marks of defeat cleared away as if I had turned back the clock and grown young again.

I wiped the water from my face and ran my fingers through my hair, now brown like it once was without any of the streaks of white or gray I had received from the stress of the war, Anakin turning, Order 66, worrying, panicking, and grieving. All these emotions had refused to stop bombarding me for a moment ever since I unhooked myself from the pole in the arena, leaving me an old man.

I splashed through the water to the bank, which was slightly muddy and covered in lacy, light emerald grass.

Several paces away I noticed a Jedi Tunic and leggings stretched out across a dry piece of ground. In the center of these garments I saw...my lightsaber.

I sped over to them, reaching down and picking them up. I pulled on the under tunic , underwear, and pants, before I put on the tunic, feeling the compact fabric against my chest.

I smiled, finally feeling like a Jedi again. I reached out my hand towards the hilt on the grass and called my weapon to me. I turned it over in my palms, feeling as if I was holding hands with one of my dearest friends.

I recognized it immediately. It was the one I had wielded as an apprentice to Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. My eyes began to burn as I cradled the hilt lovingly in my palms. It was my most prized possession and the object closest to my heart. It wasn't just a weapon, it was a friend.

I heard footsteps trudging nearby and I glanced up to see a large, sprawling forest everything bright, yet soothing, in color. Everything was beautiful but for some reason I don't appreciate it was much as I should be. Then I realize, with a deep, rattling pang, that I am still not whole; my heart is a void, a piece of cloth with torn holes in it, possibly beyond repair. Sadness flowed through my chest, an echo of the grief I kept suppressed to my inner most self.

Ignoring the sickness I felt in my head, I decided to try and take my mind off the horrifying discovery by looking for the source of the footsteps I'd heard a moment ago.

Then I saw him.

He stood at the edge of the forest, hands clasped behind his strong back. His long brown hair blew in the breeze and a faint smile was on his lips as he gazed at me.

He looked young too, I noticed; younger than he 'd ever seen him, but it _was_ him. And one of the holes in my heart was filled at seeing him whole and alive.

“Qui-Gon,” I whispered, barely daring to believe it. I had spoke with him during my exile but never had I seen him; hadn't seen him since his funeral on Naboo where I thought my life had ended.

“Qui-Gon! Master!” I screamed, joy rushing up into my face and limbs as I tore towards him and ran into his arms. I felt so secure in his embrace, my face buried in the crook of his neck with his arms around me.

' _He's here. I can't believe he's here.'_

He drew back and held me by the shoulders at arms length, staring at me intently.

“Obi-Wan...” The sound of his tone causes a catch to wrench me in the depths of my chest, so that it suddenly hits me; he's here. I try to read his expression but find that I can't. What does he think of me?

Then I realize ,with a sharp pain in the breast, that I have failed him. I wasn't able to train Anakin properly and he turned to the dark-side. Not only was I to blame for Anakin's fall but I was also to blame for the Jedi Order's annihilation. If I had been more aware and not so attached to everyone in my life, none of those terrible things would have happened. My Master had only asked me one think and that had been to train The Chosen One, Anakin, and make him into a Jedi but I hadn't even been able to fulfill that simple duty.

I'd failed my Master, I had failed his last request.

My legs began to shake underneath me as the course wall I'd built around my heart after Anakin's betrayal began to split apart, the grief spilling out like blood, filling me with its stinging poison, which was more poignant and raw than it had been since I had arrived on Tatooine where, with the heat constantly bearing down on me, my grief had turned into a steady depression that would not abate.

Then the last bits of oldness inside of me were stripped away and I stood before him; my heart bleeding and my head bowed in shame. I lifted my face up to him and his kind features blurred as tears filled my eyes.

_'I failed you. I failed everyone.'_

I had failed the galaxy, I had sworn to protect. Billions had died because of my error.

Suddenly I couldn't stand anymore. My legs gave way and I fell forward into his arms.

“I'm so sorry Master! I failed you! I failed you all! I wasn't able to train the boy! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!” I sobbed into his tunic, all the grief I had bottled up inside of me for the last nineteen years bursting forth, flooding me with its burning white-hotness.

I remembered once again my failure at saving Qui-Gon from the Sith; how I let myself fall behind and get stuck, useless, behind a laser wall as he was struck down. I remembered my failure at being unable to save Siri from the Bounty Hunter Magus and the ship crash, how I couldn’t heal her wounds- couldn't save her. I though back to how I failed to prevent Anakin's fall to the dark-side; remembered his livid, yellow eyes as they burned at me as the dark-side rolling off him in evil waves. All these things rushed over me until all I could see was him burning while he screamed “I hate you!” and how I realized he was truly dead.

My sobs turned into gasps as I buried my face into the crook of Qui-Gon's neck, my lips and facial muscles twisting and twitching as the air hissed in and out of me.

“I'm so sorry, I so sorry. I didn't mean to.” His arms around me tightened their hold as I wept, like I had done for Anakin when he woke up after the Battle of Geonosis and saw his maimed arm. My torso shook and shuddered as my gasps turned into small jerks and hiccups, my eyes squeezed shut, my face warm against his thick robe.

Then shame burst into me. I had never lost control of myself like this in front of my Master. I hadn't lost control of myself to anything close to this extent since I was a Padawan.

I was known for my self-control so why had it vanished so fast?

It seemed that, after joining the Force and seeing Qui-Gon in the flesh, it had all melted away and left we a young child once again. I pulled back from Qui-Gon and turned away, hanging my head as I stared at the ground.

“I'm sorry,” I whispered, gripping at the edges of my tunic with my fingers.

“Obi-Wan, there's nothing to apologize for. I am _so_ **so** proud of you.”

I turned back to him, face twisted in confusion.

“How can you say that?” I whispered hoarsely, tears burning down my already soaking cheeks.

“How can you say you're proud of me when I failed you.”

He reached out and took my shoulder.

“Obi-Wan...you haven't failed me. You've succeeded in everything I could not. You managed not to act in revenge, you were able to control your anger and grief over everything that happened to you.” He took my other shoulder

“Obi-Wan, you've turned out to be a far greater Jedi than I ever could be.”

I raise my face to him.

“Its all my fault,” I murmured brokenly, feeling the cold sensation of a lone tear trailing down the right side of my face.

“Its **not** your fault, Obi-Wan. My loss against the Sith was _mine._ Siri was able to make her own choices and _chose_ to sacrifice her life to stop the bounty hunter from taking the Code breaker. Anakin _chose_ to turn to the dark-side. It was his choice, not yours. He wasn't a child anymore, Obi-Wan. He was responsible for his own decisions. And no one could have stopped every clone who fired on the Jedi. You are only human, Obi-Wan. You are only human.”

“But if I had paid more attention, if I had been more aware, Anakin might not have turned.”

“Jedi do not think or worry about what _might_ have happened. You know this.”

I nodded again. I did know this and it was true. But it was still a hard lesson to learn; something I had always struggled with.

“Yes, Master,” I whispered, staring at the ground once again, feeling the open wound grief had caused pulsate within my chest, the holes staring out at me like Sith eyes

_Anakin._

I crossed my arms over myself, the image of him killing Jedi and the image of him burning on Mustafar entering my mind for perhaps the trillionth time.

“You still love him, don't you?” I heard Qui-Gon whisper. I meet his eyes for a moment, burning with shame and grief, before turning away again.

“My friend is dead,” I said, my voice catching, remembering the red blade of Anakin- no, Vader- striking towards me without a thought, without hesitation, with a sick _eagerness._

“I don't think so, Obi-Wan. There still might be some good in him.”

Anger flashed up within me for a moment, before I shoved it away and I turned slowly towards him.

“I lost the last bit of hope about that when he struck me down,” I murmured, sliding to the ground and crossing my legs.

“And he...killed them, he killed them in the Temple.” I looked up at Qui-Gon.

“He killed my family, Master. He killed _younglings._ He caused Padme to die.”

Qui-Gon stared at me in silence then said.

“Yet....you still love him.”

A flash of a young Anakin running up to me, grinning, babbling about droids and who knows what, filled me, and for a moment, I am silent, afraid to say a word and crack.

I lowered my head, staring at my hands. Anakin was _gone._ I would never see him smile again. I would never hear him laughingly pull pranks on me. I would never practice lightsaber combat with him and I would never stand by his side. Together. One.

Finally, I nodded. I still did, even after everything he had done to the galaxy, to the Jedi, to Padme, to _me._

“Its nothing to be ashamed of, Obi-Wan,” Qui-Gon said, bending down and touching my shoulder with his large hand.

“But how can I love a monster?” I exclaimed, my head dropping into my hands.

“You don't love Vader. You love Anakin Skywalker. Vader isn't Anakin. Remember what you told Luke? You said Vader murdered Anakin. But I don't think Anakin is dead. I think he's in there somewhere.” I shook my head, suppressing sobs.

“No, he'd dead.” Qui-Gon was silent for a long time, his hand a strong, heavy reassurance on my shoulder. Then he spoke, taking my hand and pulling me to my feet.

“Come, Obi-Wan. There's someone I want you to meet.”

 

He lead me through thick layers of foliage, everything bright and vivid with color.

I rubbed a hand over my face, wishing I could fill every hole of grief, blame, guilt, and anguish in my soul. One was gone, but a score remained, throbbing like a million bullet holes in me.

“Who are we meeting, Master?” I asked, pushing aside a heavily-leaved branch.

“Obi-Wan, it would give me great pleasure for you to start calling me Qui-Gon.”

Smiling sadly, I said.

“All right, _Qui-Gon._ ”

Qui-Gon smiled and touched my arm to stop me as we reached a large clearing. I could see several figures doing lightsaber practice, their feet moving with eased assurance, their blades flashing in beautiful flurries of brightness.

“Who do you want me to see-” I start to ask when I see her. Siri is sparing with a young boy, her blade of violet spinning and clashing in synchronization with her opponent's, her back turned. Her shoulder-length blond hair sliced through the air around her face, her strong muscular body moving with a quickness and strength brought by years of extensive training.

My eyes filled with tears, my body beginning to shake as I stared at her; even though I couldn't see her face I knew it was her. I could tell by her slightly aggressive stance, the fierce tightness across her shoulders, and even the way her hair shines from the sun. I feel Qui-Gon's hand on my back, pushing me slightly forward.

“Go to her. She's been waiting for you; just like you have been for her.”

I took a step forward, my heart beginning to throb in my throat as I took her in; watching how the sunlight creates a halo across the crown of her golden hair, how strong and how beautiful she looks. Then I feel something beginning to burn in my tunic pocket. I reached in and feel two object- Siri's warming crystal and Qui-Gon's river stone. Both are warm and I somehow can tell they are glowing as I touch them with the tips of my fingers. I took another step and as my foot brushes the grass of the field, it hits me.

She's _here -_ right here. My whole body broke out in a sweat, my muscles turning to water, my skin warming, and my eyes filling with tears. I moved even closer until I was only a few feet behind her.

“Siri?” I whispered. She turned around, her face, young like mine, was shinning with health and youth. Her skin was covered in a film of sweat and her sapphire eyes were bright with happiness. And, just as my eyes meet hers, another hole inside of me is filled, my heart singing.

She took a step back from her opponent, her lips slightly parted, her eyes blinking in astonishment. She slowly turned her lightsaber off and slipped it onto her belt.

“Obi-Wan....?” she whispered, her hand reaching out to me, a foot moving forward.

Then her face lit up, a smile blossoming, making her look even more radiant.

I run to her then, my watery legs carrying me towards her, a smile spreading across my face, and happiness creating a supernova in my chest. When I reached her she threw herself at me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and hugging me tightly. I hug her back, tears flooding my eyes for what seemed like the millionth time today, and falling down my cheeks like rain.

Leaning my head onto her shoulder, I closed my eyes, letting myself feel the joy of seeing her, the joy of hugging her again; something that felt like it happened a trillion life-times ago. I kissed the top of her head and a sort of completeness filled me. I'd waited eternity to do that. I run my fingers through her hair, just as soft and shimmer-silk as I remembered it.

She pulled back, and looked at me with her sad, steady gaze.

“I'm so sorry, Obi-Wan.....Anakin-” she stops and looks down, her fingers still threaded through my hair.

_'Anakin. Its always comes back to him and it's because I love them all and they love me.'_

“I'm so sorry Obi-Wan....I can't understand what you must have went through. What you're _still_ going through”

“Thank you,” I said, taking her hand and gently pressing it with mine.

We stand motionless for a long time. Then I sit down, staring at the grass.

“I should have been there.” Siri takes a seat beside me, her hand sliding up my arm and gripping my shoulder.

“What?” she asked, her voice soft. I turned to look at her, sweat breaking out across my face as I remember the holographic image of Anakin killing the Jedi; the image of Anakin's hand curling into a fist as Padme gasped before him, his eyes hard and full of darkness. My eyes burned and my stomach clenched from the memory, revulsion and grief swirling through my insides like some sort of poisonous gas. My hands start to shake in my lap, and the tears in my eyes threaten to spill over my cheeks.

“I should have been there for him. He _needed_ me. If I had been there, he wouldn't have turned.” Siri was silent beside me, her hand still a strong presence on my shoulder, her strength leeching into me, helping to stop the quaking.

Then she spoke.

“Obi-Wan, you thought you were doing the right thing. You and everyone else thought that once Grievous was killed the war would end.” I rubbed the sides of my face with my hands, some of the tears escaping my eyes and sliding down my raw face.

“I know. My duty is to the Force.” And it was true. No matter what, my duty, my _life_ belonged to the Force but still my heart yearned for, and my brain remembered, Anakin.

_'Oh my son, my brother, my friend, come back to me.'_

“Anakin is still there, Obi-Wan. Deep down inside he's still Anakin.” I shook my head, eyes shut tight.

“No...no, he's gone.” I lifted my face to her.

“He killed almost _everyone_ Siri. He struck me down. He strangled his own wife. He made her loose the will to live.” I remembered her, small, cold, and broken on the hospital bed, so beaten by despair that not even her children could bring her back from the void. I looked hard at Siri and I feel my love for her flare up inside me and this time I don't have to push it away.

I reached forward and touched the side of her face with the back of my hand.

“I could never to that to you.” She smiled sadly at me.

“I know you wouldn't. But Anakin never would have done that either. He loved Padme.”

“Anakin's dead,” I whispered, turning away from her bright, scrutinizing, blue gaze.

“There is still hope, Obi-Wan, I know there is.” I sighed and shook my head, remembering the words Padme had spoken so long ago.

' _But the Senate is still in tact. There is some hope.'_ She had been wrong. The empire had succeeded and now its only hope lay in the twins; the twins who didn't even know who their father was because I couldn't bring myself to tell them.

“Ferus is doing well. He has been watching Leia, like I watched Luke on Tatooine. Now he'll watch over both of them and help in the Rebellion,” I said in a whisper, looking over at Siri again who watched me with sad eyes. She smiled.

“I am glad. I worried about him. So has Darra.” I blinked.

“She's....she's here?” I asked in shock and disbelief.

Siri's smile widened into a grin.

“Of course. Everyone who ever lived is here.”

“You mean Tahl is here? And Bant, Garen, Padme, Cerasi, Bail and Reeft? And...and Anakin's mother?” Siri nodded.

“Yes, everyone.”

A rush of feeling overwhelmed me; a strange surge of happiness, grief, sadness, and wonder, all swirling in a whirlwind, carrying me away.

“That's.....that's wonderful, Siri! I should- I need to-” Then I stop and stare at the horizon, my heart dropping into the soil beneath me.

“They'll hate me, Siri, I know they will. I'm the reason for Vader. I created the monster.”

She grabbed my hand and pressed it to her cheek.

“No, Obi-Wan. They don't hate you. They don't blame you for Vader.”

“Do you forgive me for not being able to save you, Siri?” I asked in a whisper.

She lowered my hand and stared at me with a gaze filled with explosions of emotion.

“Obi-Wan...that wasn't your fault.” I turned away.

“I know....I'm sorry.” I feel her hand beneath my chin, lifting it so I have to look her in the eye.

“Its all right. You've been through a lot and have been strong through it all; been selfless through it all. You can grieve now.” The love, clarity, and pureness in her gaze overwhelms me and for what appears the millionth time today, I start to weep. Siri wraps her arms around me and holds me until I fall asleep.

 

_Luke Skywalker is piloting his X-Wing fighter near the evil instrument the empire had created; the Death Star. Laser blasts fly by, taking out the X-Wings around him at an alarming rate. I can sense Luke's grief, panic, and exhilaration as he flies. But he isn't concentrating, he isn't focused like he should be in such a dangerous situation. He won't last much longer, that much is apparent. My heat begins to thunder in my chest. **'No...no, I can't loose you Luke. You are needed to save the galaxy and carry on the Jedi Legacy.'**_

_“Luke,” I whisper to him across space and time, across the galaxy, straight to his heart._

_“Trust your feelings.” He doesn't listen to me and just keeps flying. Then a TIE fighter appears behind him, chasing him relentlessly through the space above the Death Star. My mind screams in panic but before I can say a word another X-Wing fighter takes out the TIE fighter in a blast of pluming smoke. Then I sense a presence. HIS presence. Anakin. My breath catches in my throat as I see his ship take off, flanked by two TIE fighters. The three ships quickly dip into the trench where several rebel pilots are and quickly takes them out._

_The fight continues until Luke is speeding down the trench at a rapid pace, his targeting computer in front of his eyes. He is using machinery instead of his instinct; instead of the Force. I float down to him, hovering at his side, my ghostly presence a protective blanket around him._

_“Use the Force, Luke,” I whisper to him, my voice coming from millions of leagues away as well as right behind him._

_“Let go, Luke.” I feel his hesitation, his distrust, his lack of assurance in himself._

_“Luke, trust me.” I wait for a moment, a moment filled with sheer agony. Would he listen to me, or would he, like his father, completely disregard me and do things his own way._

_Then he reaches forward and pushes a button, sending the targeting computer sliding back into part of the seat board. He continues his rapid flight, the three fighters following him relentlessly. My stomach clenches as I sense Darth Vader's vessel lock in on Luke's small, feeble looking X-Wing. I am just about to reach over and grasp hold of Vader's mind when an unexpected shot comes ringing towards us and hits on the the TIE fighters, causing it to explode in a roaring ball of fire. I can tell its that smuggler Han Solo, the pilot whom we had hired to fly Luke and I to Alderaan. 'Thank you,” I thought in gratitude to Han as the other TIE fighter collided with Vader's, causing him to careen away in a tumble._

_Then, Luke shot a pair of violet lasers beams into the Death Star's weak point. I could feel his shock and astonishment as he blasted away with the remaining vessels. Space seemed to hold it's breath before a shudder reverberated through the Force and the evil monster exploded in a dazzling array of light; taking with it it's horrifying power of planetary destruction. Luke sat in shock at his controls, his ship bobbing at a stand-still in space._

_“Remember, the Force will be with you. Always.” I could feel tears welling up in me. Luke had found the Force in himself._

 

I awoke in the warm grass, a soft velvety night sky gazing down on me from above.

I sat up, face wet with tears and sweat.

“What's wrong? Are you all right?” I turned to see Siri stretched out beside me, blinking up at me sleepily. Beams of milky-white light slip across her features, accenting her beautiful face so much so that for a moment I am mute with wonder.

“I had a dream-wait, it wasn't a dream. I was _in_ the Force. I saw Luke. I helped him into accepting the Force. I watched him destroy the Death Star.” I spun around to face Siri who had sat up and asked.

“Siri, does...does this sort of thing happen to you?” she shook her head.

“I sometimes enter the Force to see how Ferus is doing but I've never done it unconsciously. You must have work still to do...and you must have something holding you to the world of the living.” ' _Luke, Leia.'_ I thought. And, in the darkness where I store everything I don't want to see, I hear another name. _'Anakin.'_

I took Siri's hand and we sit there in silence until the sun rises over the ridge; just like we did in that cave so many years ago.

 

We walked through the forest, Siri and I, recounting missions together, jokes we had played, and stories about us and our Padawans.

“Remember when we went on that first mission together- on Kegan?” I asked as we step around a huge tree trunk thicker then twelve Wookies standing side-by-side in a circle.

“Yes, and we walked real fast because we wouldn't let the other lead.”

She laughed and I smiled, not exactly ready to laugh just yet. Then Siri stopped and grabs my arm. I freeze for a second then hear her ask.

“Do you want to see your friends? I know where they are.”

I nodded, exhilaration at the though of seeing some of my oldest friends shooting through me.

“Of course.”

Siri took my hand and started to pull me through the thick brush, moving quickly and assuredly; the both of us using the Force to move branches and foliage out of our way. Then I looked at her hand in mine and felt a sinking feeling enter the pit of my stomach.

“Siri....” she stopped and turned to me, her eyes inquisitive.

“Yes?” she asked. I swallowed, looking at our hands again.

“Siri, does....does the no attachment rule still exist here?” she shook her head.

“No. Your Master and Tahl are living together and Darra goes into the Force all the time to watch over Ferus.” She smiled, giving my hand a squeeze.

“So don't worry yourself.” I smiled, squeezing her hand in return.

Grass crinkled underneath our booted feet and a cool breeze rustled the branches in the trees overhead. The air smelled of flowers; the place strangely reminding me of Ragoon-6.

“Siri, how are they doing? My friends, I mean.”

“They're doing great. They can't wait to see you. Of course, Reeft still doesn't get enough to eat.” I almost smiled at that but a weight of sadness pressed down on my chest.

We came to another clearing; smaller than the one Siri had been training in, but still quite large. Much to my surprise, I saw several cottages strewn across the clearing; small with thatched roofs.

“Bant, Garen, and Reeft all live there,” Siri said, pointing to the nearest one; a large, stocky dwelling with a pool behind it. I smiled. _'Bant would need that wouldn't she?'_

“And there is where your Master and Tahl live. And Cerasi lives with some of the people from her planet there.” I took in each house as Siri pointed to them and I could see how they'd want to live there. Each one was fashioned in a symbolic way to their personalities.

Then, in the pool behind Bant, Garen, and Reeft's cottage, I heard a splash. I turned my gaze back to it and saw Bant cutting through the silvery ripples. I stopped to watch, warmth spreading through me. I hadn't seen her in a long time; such a long time.

“ _Goodbye, Obi-Wan. Good luck against Grievous,”_ I had said when I was about to depart for Utapau.

I remembered seeing tears in her eyes as she took my arm, gripping it firmly. She'd been so worried for me. I'd smiled for her sake; told her I'd be back soon and we'd be able to pick up the pieces and return to our job as peacekeepers. I'm not sure whether either of us believed it but we'd had to. Of course I'd hadn't ever seen her again. She'd perished in Order 66; kind, sweet, gentle Bant mowed down like some common criminal.

My lips formed her name, reaching out to the Force, finding it easily, and sending a message to my friend. I watched as she paused in the water; the liquid wobbling around her small, but strong, frame. She spun around and her eyes light on me. She stared at me for a moment, her silver eyes looking dazed. Then, with a start, she kicked herself to her senses and propelled herself out of the water. A smile started to grow on my face; growing wider as Bant approached, her feet flying quickly beneath her.

“Obi-Wan! Oh my Force, I can't believe it!” she shouted joyfully, leaping into my arms her wet robes cool against my own. I hug her tightly, a calming sensation filling me for a moment, easing the pain in my head. She'd always been able to do that; even back when we were small children. We stood there with the wind blowing passed us in lukewarm waves.

Then she drew back.

“Garen, Reeft! Obi-Wan's here!” the door to the cottage immediately swung open and revealed the forms of two young men- two of my friends from my childhood.

“Obi-Wan!” the two ran to me, Garen reaching me first. The last time I'd seen Garen he'd been a feeble, unhealthy old man shivering on a bed but his skin practically glowed with health.

“Glad to see you, Obi-Wan,” Garen said with a laugh, smacking me roughly on the back.

“Now the gang's back together again.” Sorrow filled me just as simultaneously another hole in my heart filled at the sight of my oldest friends standing with me.

' _Anakin is still missing.'_ I grabbed Garen's arm and pulled him into a hug. Garen stiffened for a moment; we'd never embraced before, but, after a moment, he returned it. I let go of him and embraced Reeft. We all stood in the sunlight, stretching out with the Force, all connected, all together. I smiled. I had been returned to my father, I was with the love of my life and my friends were around me but something was missing.

 

_Fire exploded around us in a cacophony of sound but to me all was silent except for his screams echoing in my ears. He scrabbled desperately, trying to drag himself forward on the black sand, hate in his eyes._

_“You were the Chosen One!” I shouted, hot tears streaming down my already inflamed face as I watched him crumbling into ruin. I had bested the Sith but I took no joy from it. How could anyone be sick enough to take joy from this self-inflicting horror?_

_I hated myself so much I wished I could cut myself to pieces and join him in death on the lava-bank. But I couldn't, that would be cowardly. The galaxy needed me and Padme needed me._

_“It was said you were to destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!” He looked up at me then, with pain and hate in his eyes and screamed._

_“I HATE YOU!!!!” And suddenly I see the nine year old, tearfully asking me what would be happening to him now. I see the nine year old who came into my bed and clung to me when his loneliness became too great for him to bear alone. I see the moody, wayward sixteen year old telling me he wished he wasn't the chosen one. I see my son, my best friend, my brother in that flash of beautiful, painful memories and I tell him what I should have told him time and time again._

_“You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.” I chocked painfully on the last words. And I watch as the monster my child had become burst into flames. His screams killed me then and I couldn't finish the job; I couldn't kill an unarmed being no matter what he'd done to my best friend. I could only leave him to the Force. Sobbing, I turned and stumbled away but I could still hear his screams even after they'd long faded away. And it, like everything else, was all my fault._

 

I awoke, gasping and sweating, in the dark. The blanket I was lying under fell away as I sat up and blinked, banishing the wisps of smoke from my vision.

“Obi-Wan?” Regaining my breath, I turned to see Siri staring up at me in concern where she lay on the bed. Turning from her in shame, I buried my face in my hands.

“Obi-Wan, what's wrong?” I heard the bed creak as she sat up and lightly touched my shoulder.

“It was just a dream.” I said, wiping the sweat from my face with my sleeve. Siri wrapped her arms around me and I broke again, weeping into my palms.

“Its okay, Obi-Wan. Its okay.” I inhaled roughly, quaking.

“Why did I do that to him? How could I?” Siri pressed my head to her shoulder and stroked my hair; her hair a soft presence on my cheek. And, slowly, the world went out of focus and I slept without dreaming.

 

I woke to early morning, the sky a dark mix between black and blue, with a realization burning in my mind with a fiery persistence. I felt Siri sleeping beside me, her hand on my arm. Sitting up, I smiled at her strong and beautiful face and ran a hand through her hair, kissing her lightly on the forehead. I gently eased myself off the mattress, so as not to wake her and quickly got ready. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror on the wall of the bedroom, looking far younger than I felt, and sighed. I needed to make it right with two people today.

“Obi-Wan, what are you doing up this early?” I heard Siri ask and I turned to her, blond hair a scraggly mess around her face.

“I have to speak with Padme and Shmi Skywalker today. I need to tell them....how sorry I am.” I looked down at my hands, at a loss for words.

“All right.” I raise my face to her and she gives me a sad smile.

“I hope you find what your looking for.”

“Thank you, Siri.” She nodded at me and stood, striding over to me. She hugged me; quick and fierce and drew back, kissing my temple. My heart beat quickened at her touch but I took a deep breath and looked deep into her eyes. She smiled at me, looking so beautiful. Oh so beautiful....

“Good luck.”

I pick up a piece of bread on the way out of the cottage Siri had invited me to live in, and start down the soft, mossy walkway. Bands of violet and pink light up the sky like lightsaber blades; cutting a beacon in the darkness to my destination. I don't know where Padme and Shmi live exactly but my feet move me along at a quick, clipped pace; leading me in the opposite direction of the sparring field I'd been at yesterday.

The air was chilly but my tunic kept most of the warmth from the cottage pressed up against my skin. The air smelled of spring and freshness; the scent almost alive in its vividness.

Then I see several cottages up ahead, these made of stone or packed together sand. Humming filled the breeze that sweeps over me; a beautiful, simple tune I'd heard once in my distant memories of myself as a small child, cradled in my mother's arms. It was early but I did see someone standing near one of the houses; one made of chalky blue stones.

The figure was hanging clothes on a wash-line, their back turned. The person appeared to be human and female as they are wearing a flowing, colorful dress.

Long, plaited, brown hair shimmered around the woman's shoulders and as she turned slightly to the side, I recognized her. It's Padme.

My heart started pounding as I made my way slowly across the grass and the gravel path that lead to the houses. The wind felt even colder as I reached the circle of houses.

“Padme?” I asked warily, remembering suddenly her last words to be in that cold hospital room on Polis Massa.

' _There's good in him. I know. I know there still is....'_

I held my breath as Padme turned around, preparing for an angry gaze, sharp words, and a hard face. But instead she smiled.

“Obi-Wan?” she ran forward and gave a quick hug. Pulling back, she put her hands on her hips and grinned.

“I heard you'd returned. Qui-Gon came and told me yesterday.”

“He did?” She nodded and took my arm, pulling me towards her house.

“So, what are you doing here.” I inhaled deeply and scratched the back of my neck with my hand. I feel the way I did in her apartment when I'd had to tell her the horrifying truth: _sick_.

“Padme....” she stopped and turned to look at me, her brow pinched in concern.

“What is it?”

“Padme.....I...I need to apologize to you. Its my fault your husband turned to the darkside. I didn't see where he was heading till it was too late. I...I..wasn't able to stop him, I wasn't able to help him. And...I..I maimed him.” I bowed my head, not able to look her in the eye. I couldn't bear to see any emotion, positive or negative, in her soft gaze.

“I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.” I stare at the small stones at my feet, the nightmare from last night burning before my eyes as bright as the lava of Mustafar. How could she ever forgive me? How could I forgive myself?

She grasped my hand.

“Its okay, Obi-Wan. You didn't do anything.” I looked up at her, surprised.

' _Didn't do anything? Of course I did. It's my fault he turned. Mine alone.'_

“I mean, at first I was angry...at you, at Palpatine, at Anakin, at the Jedi, at the Republic. But then I realized I couldn't blame everyone without blaming myself.” she smiled sadly and squeezed my hand. I felt my throat and eyes burn from the kindness I saw in her eyes.

“I've given it a lot of thought and I've come up with this assumption- We had no way of knowing what was going on behind our backs, no idea that what we did or what we didn't do would cause things to turn out as they did. So, really, it's no ones fault; all just chance.” She leaned into my shoulder and whispered.

“And there is good in him, I know there is.”

I couldn't bring myself to even shake my head. I just put my arm around her shoulders and gave them a squeeze before letting go. I let my hand remain on her shoulder. Even after all this time, I could still sense Anakin on and around her. For a moment I was so overwhelmed with pain that I couldn't speak. Padme reached up and placed her hand on mine. Through the Force I sensed her feeble, minuscule trails of the Force reaching out to me in comfort; feeling like the soft touch of a newborn child against my skin.

' _You're such a good friend, Padme. I never knew you as well I could have. How I wish I'd spoken to you more.'_

“Obi-Wan...how are my children?” I smiled at that.

“Wonderful. They're a lot like you and Anakin. I know they will both be amazing individuals. And I'm very proud of them.” Her face lit up and her eyes darkened.

“I'm happy. I'm so happy.” The tears on her cheeks, a mixture of joy and sorrow, tore at my heart. While I'd been able to watch over Luke and see him grow and Bail had been able to do the same with Leia, the last Padme had seen of her children was the weak little infants she'd barely been able to touch before she had passed on. But I could also tell that she was filled with joy and pride for what her children had accomplished and what they'd done.

All my life, I'd been stiff and held myself back from showing affection. It wasn't wrong for be to be that way, it had been a part of who I was. But, seeing that sense of loss and of pride for her children in Padme's eyes, I followed an impulse and drew her into an embrace. For a moment she seemed to be taken by surprise, quite like I had been earlier, but then she cautiously leaned her head onto my shoulder.

“I'm glad you are happy,” I whispered, my head on the top of her head. I could see the sun rising ahead; a slight blush growing deeper with each passing moment.

 

Taking directions given to me by Padme, I quickly sped along the path that cut a long line through the forest. I still felt slightly chilly but the air had warmed up considerably over the time I'd spoken with Padme. Her forgiveness had lifted one of the many weights on my back and filled another gouge in my heart.

_' I've given it a lot of thought and I've come up with this assumption- We had no way of knowing what was going on behind our backs, no idea that what we did or what we didn't do would cause they did. So, really, its no ones fault; all just chance.'_

There was a lot of truth in her statement. The rational side of my brain readily agreed but my emotional side, which seemed to have grown inhumanly stronger, rebelled, whispering to me how it WAS my fault.

I could see the off-yellow, sandstone dwellings ahead, the sun beams glittering along the surfaces and my entire being gave a wrench of dread. If I thought facing Padme was difficult than speaking to Shmi Skywalker, a woman I'd never met yet somehow _knew_ , would be impossible. My insides tightened and for a second my feet refused to move.

' _You're being silly, Obi-Wan. Your just going to TALK to someone and you can do that._

_What kind of negotiator are you?'_

“But...but I'm not “The Negotiator” anymore....I'm just me...just Obi-Wan Kenobi. And....and I don't think that I ever _was_ The Negotiator. I was fooling myself,” I whispered to that cruel, mocking voice inside my head; that voice that had plagued me since childhood with whispers of doubt. I stared at the houses spread out before me and felt my skin freeze over with a bone chilling iciness.

“I...I can't do it. I just can't do it,” I heard myself saying as the horrible, terrifying _shaking_ began.

_Watching Qui-Gon die in my arms, everything shaking, everything dimming to gray. Siri's hand going limp, my entire being shuddering as I felt like dying. Sitting in a chair after Order 66, stunned, shaking, cruel voices telling me that I was alone...alone. Seeing Anakin kill, feeling myself fall apart, loosing it, dying in a flame of horror hotter than any hell._

“No,” I whispered and gave myself a jerk to make myself stay rooted in the here and now.

“No, I'm a Jedi. And I _won't_ allow despair to get to me.”

' _But it already has.'_

With all the effort I could muster, I mentally clamped a hand over the voice's mouth.

' _What do I do know?'_

Then I saw one of the doors open and a woman wearing a simple dress of gray stepped out into the sunlight. I'm near enough to make out her kind, weathered features and the soft brown hair that tumbled around her thin shoulders. She saw me, standing there like an idiot, and raises a hand in greeting. I lift my hand as well and force my feet to lift from the ground and start forward. I could hear the crunch of gravel beneath my boots; strangely loud in my ears like the death knell of Stormtroopers marching...marching.

I swallowed and abruptly found myself near the woman, who was shaking rugs.

When I was standing pretty much right next to her, I realized who she was. Her hair was the same hue as Anakin's and her eyes, even though the irises' were different in color, hade the same shape and kind gaze. And even if she hadn't looked a thing like Anakin I knew I would have been able to tell; I felt like I almost knew her after all I'd heard from Anakin and Padme.

She glanced up at me and paused, lowering the frayed rug to the ground.

“Do you need something? You seem lost.” she inquired. I opened my mouth to speak but my synapses wouldn't seem to connect and words refuse to come.

“I-well. Are you Shmi Skywalker?” I wanted to smack myself repeatedly for the question. Of course that's who she was, I'd just sensed it was so a moment ago.

She nodded, brow furrowing as she dropped the rug and came towards me.

“Do I know you?” I shook my head, not able to meet her gaze.

' _How she must hate me.'_

“No, you..you never met me. I'm-I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi. I trained your son, Anakin.”

My voice cracked on his name. She stared at me, her eyes widening slightly, and she moved slightly back, her fingers going taut at her sides.

“You?” she whispered and I can't tell whether it's an accusatory tone or not. I felt sweat flood my palms which I pushed against my legs. She was still staring at me, gaze so penetrating that I felt it burn my entire being in a flash of white-hot heat. I couldn't look away but I also could not keep her gaze.

“Y-yes,” I managed to get out, my arms self-consciously crossing my chest, feeling as if I had been stripped naked before the Force itself; my heart and soul laid out for all to see.

She didn't move; didn't even speak, her lips slightly parted, and face pale.

I had no idea for what to say or do. With Padme, apologizing had been easier because I'd already known her and could figure out how she would respond to what I said. With Anakin's mother I couldn't find the right words. I couldn't seem to find the right way to put into sound the great sorrow and guilt I feel for the loss of her wonderful, beautiful, kind son.

' _Pull it together, Obi-Wan. You can do this. You're a Jedi. Put aside you're feelings like you are supposed to. Accept them, let them go, and all will become clear.'_

But I didn't want to let go of this crushing guilt. I had to carry it because no one else would be able to and because I couldn't bear to let what little I had left of Anakin slip through my fingers.

' _I can't let go of this grief. It just won't lift. All I can do is carry it. And I'll carry it forever because I'll never make it right, even if the twins are able to help defeat the Empire.'_

Suddenly I saw a flash of Anakin at Qui-Gon's funeral, silent tears streaking down his sorrowful, confused face. And I'd promised him like I'd promised Qui-Gon but it all turned out to be empty, baseless words.

_What will happen to me now?_

_The Council has granted me permission to train you. You will be a Jedi....I promise_

Pain rocketed through me in such a sharp, sudden spurt that I nearly burst into sobs right then and there. I wanted to break down. I didn't care if she saw me do it. Maybe if she did she could find it in her heart to forgive me.

I took a deep breath, clenching my mouth tightly to keep the sobs locked inside me. I couldn't cry now; not in front of this woman who suffered more than I.

“Why are you here?”

I met her gaze, her eyes as unreadable as Master Yoda's- but even with Master Yoda I was somewhat able to tell what he was thinking; I'd grown up with him around me, after all.

With Anakin's mother it was like her gaze was made of glass; all I could see were my emotions reflected back at me.

“I came to apologize to you. For-for everything.”

“What do you have to apologize for?” she asked, cocking her head to the side in that way Anakin used to; except his face had always split into a cheeky grin when he did that. Her face, however, remained solemn.

“Everything.” She smiled then and reached forward, touching my sleeve with the tips of her fingers.

“You raised my son to become a good man. And he was a good man and will always be one. He was just deceived into a lie and became trapped by an evil too strong for even him to defeat.” Tear sprang to her eyes as she gazed up at me and my heart ached for her. Besides Padme, she must be one of the most upset and heartbroken by the loss of our dear Anakin.

I put my hands on her shoulders, my fingers shaking as I suppressed my emotion. She dropped her head and I could see that she is fighting back tears.

“I am sorry...And...and I always will be.” She lifted her face once more to me and she was smiling through her tears.

“Once I told Anakin that one must learn to forgive themselves for what they do. I'm not sure if he ever learned that lesson but I want you to.” She placed her right hand over my heart.

“You want my forgiveness but you already have it. Now you just have to forgive yourself.”

 

 

The days blurred into a seamless stream of light and nearly-pure contentment. I explored my home in the Force and spent as much time with my friends as I possibly could. Ferus and Yoda had joined us and the Force grew brighter with every sunrise.

However, I always felt distracted as I remembered what Padme and Shmi had said to me. I wanted to believe it, I really, truly did, but...I could not. I always come back to that accusatory hatred in Anakin's eyes as he saw me disembark the ship and when he caught on fire on that lava bank. I'd destroyed him more than Palpatine, or even the darkside, ever could. And I knew he was gone; I'd accepted that long, long ago.

I also frequently visited the ether-world of the Force and speak with Luke- and Yoda before he passed on- to oversee how things were going. I was still the only one I knew of who could visit the ether-world in dreams or without even having to think about it; another sign that the Force wasn't finished with me yet. Luke, like almost everyone else, believed that Anakin is still inside the abyss of Vader and I'd given up trying to tell him otherwise.

' _The war is nearly over and the Empire is nearly overthrown. I'm here with Qui-Gon, Siri, Bant, Garen, Reeft, Cerasi, and Tahl and I'm to so glad be with them but... Why am I not at least content?'_

The day sparkled around my as if an infinite number of focusing crystals had been tossed up into the sapphire heavens to reflect the bright light from above. The air was warm, yet somehow cool at the same time and it reminded me of Naboo which Anakin had loved just as passionately as he'd loved Padme.....

I swiped my hands through the grass beneath me, remembering a time when Anakin and I had sat just like this; not speaking, just enjoying each others company's in silence. It had been beautiful.

' _Anakin....why?'_

Before Qui-Gon's death, I'd thought I'd known pain. I'd seen wars, I'd lost friends, I'd had to step away from the woman I loved in Order to do my duty. And I _had_ known pain but I'd never expected the pain I felt at the loss of Qui-Gon, of Siri, of the Jedi Order, and of Anakin.

The Force had given me someone to love and to cherish after I'd lost my Master and I'd attacked Anakin's training with such vigor, such hope for the best that I'd come to believe what my Master had tried to tell me before he passed; that Anakin was the Chosen One. And just when we'd finally eased all the bumps in the road between us, the Force had ripped him away from me and made me watch as he turned from the man I loved to a monster who embodied all that I was supposed to despise yet couldn't.

I wanted Vader dead, yes, but only to put what had once been my friend out of his misery. Anakin would never had wanted to be that type of a man. It was the least I could do for my best friend, son and brother, who I had failed to protect from not only the Separatists and the Sith, but from his self as well.

' _Why has the Force done this to me? Why has it forsaken me?'_ The words come unbidden and I shut my eyes, regret immediately filling me at my selfish, childish thoughts. The Force had always been there for me; even when I hadn't felt worthy and didn't think I could continue on I'd drawn it around me like a blanket and used it as a light to guide me through the darkness of my heart. It had never abandoned me.

I reached out into the Force's soft, ever-enfolding embrace, hoping to find some sort of inner peace. It had eluded me for so long; hovering just at the edge of my fingertips like the illusion of water in a desert.

' _Help me. I've been lost for so long and I need inner peace. Please, please help me. I've done everything thing I could do and still it wasn't enough. I have done my hardest to take everything that fate has thrown at me and bear it like a Jedi but I still feel it's crushing weight. I've never asked for anything and I know that somehow I have twisted the fate of the galaxy in ways that I don't fully understand. I have done everything I've been asked. And I know that I am just a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow. In the river of time I hardly make a splash. I am just one being in a vast, unending stretch of them and I only ask one thing. What am I supposed to do? My duty isn't over and I will face whatever this crazy universe throws at me, even in death. I am yours, Ashla. Forever.'_

Suddenly warmth spreaded through me and I realize with sudden clarity that it is Ashla, the light side of the Force; the kind, selfless twin. I opened my eyes to see a column of pure, golden light surrounding me as if I'd entered the sun.

 **'Obi-Wan.'** The words that said my name sounded strange; it was like a crowd of voices speaking simultaneously to me from all sides. I wanted to say something but the words dissipate when they reached my lips and I couldn't quite remember what I was going to say.

' **Obi-Wan, you have done well, so well. We thank you for all that you have done and we only ask one more thing from you.'**

I finally found my voice and asked.

“What-what would that be?” I felt the loving light around me bend as if it was smiling enigmatically at me.

**'You will see in a moment, Obi-Wan. Just remember that you are never given more than you can bear.'**

My chest began to burn when I heard those words. I bowed my head and felt an ice-cold tear straggle down my cheek.

“Thank you,” I managed to murmur and suddenly I feel as if a warm hand was caressing my cheek. I lifted my head and stared into the ever shifting light; millions of faces flashing before me in an instant.

**'Come along, child. Come home.'**

I felt myself beginning to fade; to where I did not know. But one thing pulsed in my mind as everything turned to gold; that voice, it hadn't been a thousand voices as one but one all alone. And it had been Qui-Gon's. He was taking me home but where was that?

 

_A dark storm cloud rustled passed me in cold leaps and I shuddered, wishing I had my cloak. I cast my gaze around the area, trying to understand what I was supposed to be doing._

_**'Don't be afraid, Obi-Wan. You have only two duties left to perform and you will do one of them right here, right now.'** _

_What was I supposed to be doing? What other duties did I have besides guiding Luke to his destiny?_

_I shivered again and decided to pace to take away the sharp-edge of the chill._

_Suddenly I heard a cry; that of a child. I stopped what I was doing and spun around to where the sound was coming from. Through the mist I saw a figure sprinting along, shaking and stumbling, the mist shrouding it's features from view. Another figure followed behind them, haggard and limping like disease made flesh. The first figure cried out again in such desperate shout of pain and grief that my heart ached for them. What have they suffered? I wanted to help this person but I couldn't quite figure out how._

_**'Use the Force, Obi-Wan. Help him.'** _

_And suddenly that purpose, that drive, I'd once had returned in a burst of beautiful, raw clarity and I knew just what to do. _

_I used the Force to reach towards this poor, desolate soul. As I did this, I felt Yoda, Qui-Gon, Siri, Mace, and every other Jedi I had ever known, or never known, reach out with me._

_The figure twisted and looked right at me. I didn't know who it was but a connection snapped between us; so strong and powerful that I nearly collapsed to my knees. I felt a light erupt behind me and as I glanced back I saw that a golden rift had opened up where once had been darkness._

_“Help me,” I heard the being whisper and I knew with crystal-clear clarity that somehow, something had changed deep within me. What it was I could not yet fathom and I'm not sure I ever will._

_The darkness crowded towards the doggedly running person and I steeled myself , ready for the final tug. The being spun around and flung their hands out to the malicious figure, grappling them to the ground. With a final shriek I watched as the ruined monster slipped down through the black slurry. One pale claw tore up in desperate protest before it vanished from sight._

_I glanced around me at all the Jedi; past, present, and future all gathered into one place. With a singular nod, we all stepped back, taking this being with us into the light, the dark loosing it's hold on them, and us, forever. As I stood in the brimming golden glow, I felt the balance restored and I know that the Sith were no more. I felt strange, I felt somehow..content? Had I achieved inner peace? How was that even possible?_

_And I tasted tears as everything faded away again._

 

I woke up where I had been sitting earlier. I listened to the wind as it whistled through the trees surrounding me. My face was wet but I was no longer weeping. I gazed up at the sky which was even brighter than before and I felt with such certainty that it surprises me, that this is what this place should look like.

What was that? How can I put into words or even explain to myself what just took place?

Besides the elevated brightness, nothing seemed to have changed; it looked just as I'd left it. Yet, I'd left confused and come back with renewed purpose. I was still a Jedi and I would forever be one. Always. But there was something still missing inside me; one last wound that I had yet to come to terms with. I shut my eyes to meditate. Now was the time to come to terms with that something missing which was named Anakin Skywalker. I could no longer twist away from it like a stubborn toddler; no longer could I deny how much it hurt me. I had to accept my blame and move on as a Jedi should. I squeezed my eyes shut, ready for the pain I knew would come when, suddenly, I felt something....touch me through the Force; soft fingers against my soul. My eyes opened and my body froze.

' _What?'_

The Force-touch was as familiar as my hand, as Siri's hair, as Qui-Gon's smile.

' _No it can't be. It's...it's impossible.'_ I heard footsteps and my heart stopped in my chest. I couldn't move, couldn't breath. It couldn't be true. I had to be dreaming.

The footsteps grew closer and finally came to a stop about three feet behind me.

My heart started up again, pounding so loudly that I thought, insanely, for a moment that everything that had happened in my life had been a dream and I was still in my mother's womb, waiting to be born into this crazy, insane, horrible, beautiful thing called life. But I wasn't dreaming because I knew that, even in the worse of all my nightmares and in the best of my all my dreams, that my mind would never be able to capture what my heart wanted with such truth.

I tried to wrap my mind around what I sensed behind me, what I felt like a hand on my chest, but I couldn't; it was impossible. I squeezed my eyes shut, begging the Force to let me awake before I turned around; to spare me from waking from what must be a dream even when the signs all pointed out that it was not.

“Obi-Wan....?”

His voice. It was _his_ voice. I hadn't heard his voice in long time, such a long time....

I felt my chest constrict with such wrenching that I had to squeeze my eyes shut to keep from gasping. Was the Force doing this just to torment me? Did it want me to see his boyish features twist into that of Vader's hateful mask?

“Obi-Wan....I know you aren't going to hate seeing me and probably won't want to speak with my, and I don't blame you, but....”

I heard the sound of grass crunching and I felt myself beginning to shake; deep throbs pulsing through me in slow undulations. Anakin was behind me, in arms reach. Suddenly, what must have happened flashed before me in a flurry of images- or Anakin saving his son from the wrath of the Emperor and him dying in the process. Luke had done it. He had actually done it. How?

“But I want to tell that I am so, so, sorry, Master. I'm so sorry and ashamed of what I did. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me-” His voice was rough and there were tears in his words and..and..

“I completely understand if you don't want to speak with me, Master. I'll-I'll go now and leave you in peace. I-I just wanted to let you know.” It was too much. I _had_ to see for myself whether it was a dream or not. I spun around and saw – _Anakin._

He was on his knees just a short distance from me, his head bowed. He looked just like he had when I said goodbye to him for the last time on Coruscant; his brown hair was shoulder length like I remembered it being that day and his eyes were still as large and as blue as ever. The only difference was that the scar he'd received from Ventress no longer marred his handsome face. My love for him came to me in such a rush of feeling that nearly it doubled me over. My chest was shuddering and I had to blink to keep tears from filling my eyes. It was him, it was _really, truly_ my Anakin. It wasn't just a mirage, or a figment of my nightmares coming to haunt my waking hours but it was my best friend, come back from the dead, from the darkside as bizarrely impossible as it sounded. I wanted to speak, wanted to take him in my arms and sob; I wanted to tell him that, no, _I_ was sorry but I couldn't find the words, they had all fled me leaving me mute and still.

I reached out tentatively with the Force towards him and felt as if I was slipping my hand into that of a small child's; we fit perfectly, just like we always had. His Force-sense recoiled from mine and I felt a deep, burning, gnarled pain brush my psyche with sharp, frightened fingers.

“I'll leave you know,” he whispered, and made as if to stand.

' _No!'_ I couldn't let him walk away from me. I needed him

He started to turn but before he could move any further, I leaped the space between us and pulled him to me. Pain scalded me and I felt a spasm flutter through my face and I sobbed hard into Anakin's shoulder, holding him so tightly to me that I wouldn't have blamed him had he pulled away. But I didn't care. Now that I had him back, I wasn't ever going to let go.

“Anakin, Anakin, Anakin, Anakin.” His name spilled uncontrollably from me through my tears as I stroked his head that was lying against my shoulder.

“I'm so sorry, Master,” Anakin whimpered into my sleeve and I felt small wet splotches form on my tunic sleeve where his tears were landing. His arms reached up tentatively and wrapped around me and soon tightened.

Emotions were running through me at such a breakneck pace that I felt bewildered. The only thing I could think of was that Anakin was actually here with me. I'd ached for him for so long that now I fully realized how alone I had been. I'd felt it keenly but I hadn't known how terrifyingly plunging my wounds were. The depths of them frightened me.

After a several minutes I stopped sobbing and we stood there on our knees, arms linked around each other, listening to the silence around us, just enjoying each others presence. The Force murmured and glowed around us. I took a deep breath in, shutting my eyes as I felt myself lighten as if a terrible, heavy burden had thudded away from my shoulders, leaving me weightless in this paradise in the nether-world.

“Can-can you ever forgive me?” Anakin whispered. I pulled back from him and cupped his face in my hands, kissing his forehead. A tear dropped from the lower eye-lashes

of his right eye and rolled down his cheek. Sliding my hand across his cheek, I wiped the tear away.

“Always, Anakin. Always.” I shut my eyes and pressed my forehead on his, the Force encircling us in a loving embrace. And it was true; I had never blamed Anakin for his fall- I had only blamed myself. _I_ needed his forgiveness.

“How-how can you-you just forgive me, Master?” I pulled away and looked him square in the eye. I took a deep breath, composing myself, and exhaled slowly.

“Because I am your friend, Anakin and that's what friends do.”

“But-but I killed – I killed all of those people....I blew up Alderaan, I hurt Padme. I tried to kill you; I even hated you. How could you ever forgive me after everything I've done to you?” His gaze moved away from my face and turned to his hands which I saw were twisting bits of grass into small, neatly-tied knots.

“Anakin, look at me.” I saw him stiffen but slowly he raised his eyes back up to me.

“Anakin, what happened was _my_ fault. If I had been a better Master and a better friend to you none of this would have ever happened.” I took his hand into mine and looked at him imploringly.

“I'm the one who should be asking for forgiveness. Can you ever forgive me for the things I did and for the things I didn't do?” He shakes his vehemently in that stubborn way he'd always had which had always reminded me of how I had once been.

“No Master. I turned to the darkside; you didn't make me do it, _I_ chose it.”

I shook my head.

“No, it was my fault, if I had been more watchful, had I spoken to you more, if I-”

“Obi-Wan!” I snapped out of my ramble and stared up at him again, realizing that this was the first time he'd said my name face to face since he'd come back to me.

“How about we just blame it on Palpatine and leave it at that?” he smiled for the briefest moment and I once again saw that young child I had taken under my fledgling wing. Then his face became somber once again, his blue eyes darkening.

“I'll forgive you if you forgive me.” I nodded, placing my other hand on our linking hands. I reached out with the Force towards him and this time he met me in midair, and our presences' joined as one like they had done during our numerous battles in the Clone Wars. I was so happy, so utterly happy.

I could never thank Luke enough for bringing Anakin back to me- I owed him everything. We sat there for I don't know how long but when I finally re-opened my eyes it looked like it was nearing dawn. I had to speak with Qui-Gon, Siri, and Yoda and show them this miracle that had taken place even though I was sure they already knew. I stood and reached down a hand to pull Anakin to his feet but he just stared out at the trees nearby which are now strung with the milky syrup of moon-light.

“Obi-Wan...about what I said on the lava bank. I don't mean it. I-I don't hate you; that was Darth Vader talking not me. And...and I'm so, so very sorry that I-that I killed you. I just wanted you to know-that.”

He looked up at me and even though his features showed him as the young knight I had traversed alongside during the Clone Wars, his eyes were those of the scared, crying little boy I had seen at Qui-Gon's funeral.

“I know, Anakin. I never hated you though you must have thought so through all those years trapped inside Vader-”

“But Vader _was_ me!” Anakin bursts out, face flushed red with emotion.

“I may have long deceived myself of that fact, but it's true. I thought I could kill Anakin Skywalker and make him leave me forever and I thought for a long time that I had succeeded. But instead of trying to destroy Vader I let my goodness go dormant inside me.”

“Anakin, that is all in the past. What matters is that you destroyed the Sith and brought balance to the Force like the prophecy said you would. You were The Chosen One and you returned to the light.” I felt a smile form on my face.

“And you returned to me.” Anakin's face broke into a grin as he slapped his hand into mine. I thrust him to his feet and we stood a moment, staring at each other, barely daring to believe we are together once again after so many infinities of separation. And I felt that small piece that had been missing for so long clicked into place inside me and I felt happier than I had been in what seemed like a millennium and I couldn't quite wrap my mind around it.

' _I forgive myself.......I forgive you, Obi-Wan Kenobi, I forgive you.'_

“Come my friend. There is someone I'd like you to see. Well, several actually.”

Then we walked off towards the slowly lightening sky.

 

We all stand looking up into the sky and at the horizon where the sun is just about to begin it's long journey across the heavens. Everything seems far more beautiful than I can remember anything being. I had once forsaken beauty and happiness in order to pay for repentance. I will never make that fatal mistake again and I know I wouldn't because now I have eternity to enjoy the loveliness around me.

Qui-Gon and Tahl stand behind me, my Master's strong hands placed on my shoulders in such a comforting way that I nearly weep with gratification. I glance back at them and they smile at me. Tahl's gold-and-green striped eyes are now bright with sight; her blindness gone just like the scars on my skin had been smoothed away. I grin back and turn back to look at the navy-blue expanse spreading out over my head and into eternity. I feel Tahl's hands join Qui-Gon's on my shoulder and I can't stop grinning; they are together at last and I am with them.

Siri is at my side and my arm is around her shoulders; her golden hair a soft presence against my right cheek. It feels so truly wonderful to be with her again and not have to hide how I feel for her.

Anakin is to my left, with a smiling and weeping Padme leaning into his chest. My friends are gathered around me and if I wish I can reach out and touch them; feeling their presence linked with mine forever. I glance at my best friend's face and suddenly a flash of vivid yellow lights up his face and I realize that the sun has finally broken free from it's prison of night. He turns to me, grinning, and yet again I feel tears building in my eyes except that this time, they are happy ones. The galaxy is at peace and we are all together again. I could never ask for more than that.

Ever thickening bands of golden sunshine brighten the sky, rendering the navy blanket into a tapestry of sapphire hues. Day is vastly approaching and soon the sun will be high in the sky signaling another day in another year in the land of the departed.

“I'm so glad you made it home, my friend; home in time for day light.” The light grows ever brighter and I feel Anakin draw close to me, his hand clasping mine.

“I am too, Obi-Wan. I am too.”

And together we all watch the sun rise; one once again.

 


End file.
